Be The Difference

This is something I mention in every single talk, a bitter but valuable lesson I learned at 14, thanks to my anorexia.

The mental battle with anorexia is a life long affair, but thankfuly my physical battle with the illness was brief. Relatives of mine who didn’t see me between Spring 2011 and Summer 2012 would never have noticed any difference, and would have been none the wiser to the mental tidal wave I had faced. When I got myself back to a healthy weight (helped in no small part by a brilliant counsellor and a supportive family), I was relieved, however there were two problems that lingered.

1. My smaller stature meant that I lacked any physicality on the football pitch. The muscle loss from being underweight meant that I had lost the pace that had stood to me at lower age groups. Playing U-16 football with neither the shoulders to take the hits or the speed to dodge them meant that I had lost all value as a player. Being a regualer starter became a distant memory and I found myself glued to the bench.
2. Being the smallest guy in my year by a long shot left me as an easy target for being bullied. At least 3 out of the 5 schools days in the week would see me on the receiving end of dead arms, headlocks, stolen jumpers, pockets ripped off shirts, and general hassle of that sort. It was lad humour and alpha male behaviour that went too far. I hold no grudge over those involved, but the side effects were undeniable.

In hindsight, life became a living hell, but the fact that I didn’t know any different shielded me from how distraught I should have been. The sport I loved was slipping from my grasp, and school was becoming a nightmare, all because of my size. There was a common denominator to all the misery.

It would have been so easy to throw my toys out of the pram and cry “why me?”. I had done nothing to deserve that scenario, I hadn’t chosen anorexia as a teenage past-time. None of it was my fault, and feeling like a victim was beginning to set in. However, I quickly realised that thinking like that wasn’t going to butter any bread. No counsellor or family member could help pull me out of this one, the only one that could change this was me.

I had saved 100 euro from mowing grass (this was back in 2014, adjusted for inflation that’s probably worth 150 euros now), I went to Argos in Enniskillen, Co. Fermanagh, and came home with a bench press, a pair of dumbells, a barbell and about 50 kilos of plates. I made a vow that when I was finished with this equipment, no-one would ever lay a hand on me ever again.

I hadn’t a fucking clue what I was doing. I’m so glad that young people today have more info on how to train, how to eat properly, the importance of recovery and so on. I had none of this knowledge. But somehow:

• Over the next three years I gained 25 kilos.
• I benchpressed 100 kilos in my bedroom when I was 17
• All the bullying grinded to a halt

The feeling of peace that prevailed when the bullying stopped was something I will never forget.

It’s one of the most important lessons I have ever learned – sometimes when you need a job done, just fucking do it yourself. Sometimes, only you can be the person to make the difference in your life.

I hope this helps someone,
God bless ye,
Conor